Stepping Into Our Truth

I’ve often wished I didn’t give a f*ck.
I’ve secretly been jealous of people who can just speak without a care in the world. Without consideration of the repercussions, of how others may feel.
When I was a young girl and for most of my life, before I would even speak, I would go through almost every scenario and feeling someone may have.  Deep consideration of how my thoughts, choices and feelings may affect someone. I continuously chose the one that would make the most people happy, safe or comfortable. So much so, I rarely considered what I might want.

I’ve spoke of a time when I was so very good at anticipating the needs of others, of creating the space to help others feel happy, safe and comfortable. Of a time when I kept myself so midline, that there wouldn’t be anyone who wouldn’t like me, because I could fine a way to please them, at any cost. I wouldn’t dare say something that would cause ripples. I never wanted anyone to feel upset, scared, hurt, worried or anxious. I thought I could control that. I would lay awake at night as a child, worrying if everyone was safe and hoping that nothing terrible would happen to them. If I had said the wrong thing, could have made a better choice, etc, etc… The cost of this type of lifestyle was my worth, sovereignty and health. While it has been a valuable learning experience, it was a tremendous waste of energy!

Years later, after realizing things just didn’t feel right, and that I could start choosing for me and do the things I wanted to do and not what was spoon-fed to me, I went through a stage where I portrayed not giving a f*ck pretty well. I had spent SO long being “good”, seeking love, appreciation and approval. I was tired of being good, of making all the right choices, for OTHERS. I rebelled. I hung out with “questionable people.” I made a lot of poor choices. I was almost seeking the “WOW-FACTOR” from my parents and other authority figures.

Although this was suppression, it was actually the beginning of me stepping into the discovery process.  There was armor and masks that I wore to keep me safe and create a certain image. If I portrayed that I was hard-core and didn’t care about anything, people would leave me alone. So, I tried on the masks of others, even taking on their pain, because the unworthiness I held within my body was so deep and vast, I wasn’t deserving of discovery and display of who I was. I couldn’t even consider exploring my pain and beauty. So I explored others.

Eventually this lifestyle became incompatible with me. With who I was stepping into. After years of discovery in it’s various stages and forms, I continued to discover who I was and wasn’t, what I liked and disliked, what worked and didn’t work. Lots of it felt really good. Like coming home after being at sea for a very long time. But, lots didn’t feel good.  Parts came up that hurt. That scared me. That were ugly. That were uncomfortable. It cost me family members and friendships. The realization that once you begin to be who you BE, could cost you people you’ve kept happy for maybe your whole life, or any portion can be overwhelming and extremely painful. That who you are, wasn’t good enough. That who you are, doesn’t get rewarded with love.  How sad we have been conditioned to believe we can earn love, only when we’re good. Thank goodness, I now know those things aren’t true, for me. That I am the love I am seeking. That I am worthy AF. That while I mostly live from a state of neutrality, there are still things that do not work for me, and that is okay.

Today though, I sat in helplessness, confusion and fear. I cried my eyes out as a mother, a business owner and a human. I sit with things that are uncomfortable to me that I wish I could change, that even make me feel disgusted. I sit with the fact that I can no longer can I fly under the radar pretending I feel midline about everything. Knowing that, if I expose myself, on my true feelings…there could be uncomfortable things said. People who decide, I don’t care for Annetta anymore. People who feel so strongly, maybe they won’t support my business anymore. Confused about why one belief is greater or more “approved” than others. Fearful still of MY power. Of MY truth.

While these realizations hurt, I am feeling some excitement too. I am feeling okay with stepping into my truth. It still hurts that there are such strong feelings out there, so much so, one is willing to cut another out for believing in something different. This can applied in SO many ways currently in the world. We are all experiencing this on some level.

So while I am in full-realization that there WILL be people who don’t care for me or my work. Especially the more I step into my truth. I didn’t come here for everyone to like me. I came here to shine MY unique light. To heal MY pain. To feel MY truth. To question EVERYTHING. Especially things that are being force-fed globally. I also came here to show EVERYONE love. Regardless of beliefs, skin colors, age, religions, ethics, choices, skills, lifestyles, and political views. 
While I DO believe we are ALL one, I do not believe we are all supposed to think like ONE.  Or believe like ONE. Unity does not mean conforming to something that doesn’t feel good to you. We are all here to shine our unique light and honor the light in others. To remember, we can still love others that are different. To remember that no one can you give you freedom.

Everyday my son helps me to remember, I CAN love people who think differently than me. He is his own unique person who likes things I’m not into, and that has been very hard at times. I had a certain idea of how parenting was supposed to go. Of who I was going to raise. What he would think and believe.
Well, I think we can all have a hard laugh about that…

So, today, I am grateful for the opportunity to be shown where I am still fearful of speaking up. Of people not liking me. Of being triggered by people who think different than me. I say thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for helping me to see, I am still doing what upsets me about other people, and that I am still holding back. That there is always a choice that can be made. There is always peace to be found. There is always love.

Here are some affirmations and intentions I am choosing today.  Feel free to take any that resonate with you. Feel them in your heart as you speak them inside, very loud, or anywhere in between :)

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I choose to fully step into MY truth, with full understanding that our truths are fluid.
** (Truths are designed to bend and flex and flow with each new awareness and experience brought into our existence. We are not meant to cling to our truths white-knuckled, filled to the brim with anger to where we no longer understand WHY we even believe it? Why we are clinging?  What happens when we let go? What happens when we choose to flow? When we remember we don’t need to control others?)

I choose to honor each individual with a loving heart and open mind.

I choose to feel gratitude for those who help me to discover yet more patterns of fear and un-acceptance within myself, so that I may heal them and continue to evolve into the best me I can be.

I choose to remember that I am safe and loved, regardless of what others think of me.

I choose MY sovereignty.

I choose to find what feels good, even if it’s unusual.

I choose to remember, peace is not found from outside, it is always found within. 

I choose to remember I can give myself the love, appreciation and approval I seek from others.

I choose to remember my divine worthiness.

I choose to remember my divine purpose and stay on that path. If I wish to explore others, that is OKAY too.

I can dislike something from a place of love, compassion and grace.

I choose to remember I can be in my truth from a place of love, compassion and grace for others AND myself.

I choose to remember there are MANY truths.

I choose to remember, I cannot control how others think, feel, respond or react.

I choose to consciously respond instead of unconsciously react.
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It can hurt and be uncomfortable stepping into our truths, but we are here to do this. We got this. We can do this in a way that isn’t harmful to self or others.
Thank you for being here, in whatever way you are. I am sending you so much love. These are challenging times. There will be no stone left unturned. We are here to do big things. May you continue to find your compassion, peace and sovereignty.

Namaste.