Can We Love the One Who Shows Up?
I had an agenda for today. Yesterday, it was written down in my planner, declaring it so.
Last night, the almost full moon, beautifully touched most of the land around me, while I surprisingly didn’t sleep much. Love can be funny, huh? Alas, that’s for a different story.
I had quite a full day planned for myself and the business… after all, I would be alone and be able to accomplish things, right? Get her done! As my dad used to say.
As the day went on I realized I didn’t have much energy or desire for the planned things. For lists, agendas and planners. I also found myself noticing how days like this, I feel like Atreyu and Artax, wading thru the swamp of emotions, thoughts, ideas, expectations, constraints, goals, beliefs and the like with great determination, sludging on, hoping not to be consumed.
I later realized I had shown up in a way different than yesterday me had planned… I fought with this for a bit, arm wrestling with thoughts like, “you’re supposed to be doing something. You haven’t done anything. Remember what you planned? You have to create, so you can earn money, so you can survive, so you are a good mom, so you are contributing, so you are useful…”
All that CHATTER that happens in the mind. All those mistruths. All of that conditioning that comes up when you start to do things differently. I stopped for a moment to ask myself, what do YOU want to do right now?
I began just doing what in each moment, felt right, or would bring me some sprinkling of joy. I took a hot bath. I went thrifting. I sat out on the north forty of our land with my mug of tea, swaying on the old swing in silence. Choosing to listen to the me that showed up today. Letting her speak and feel, igniting her authenticity. Feeling everything that came up.
Nature is not silent at all. It can be the most captivating orchestration of life and vibrations! A balanced, peaceful buzz. Everything just flows. There is no resistance, no chaos and absolutely no judgement. It just is. As you sit and listen, you begin to hum with nature.
I listened to the wind whirl and communicate with the trees as they planted seeds of love within. I began to consciously breathe, which led me to a surrender to “doing nothing.” And as I did, I found the peace. The inner (and outer) smile. The sprinkling of joy. I wanted to just do “nothing” with the quails, the mountain blue birds, my dog, the trees, the wind. Shifting and transmuting thru awareness, stillness and surrender.
Nature healing at it’s finest.
“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” - Lao Tzu.
These past few years for me, were extremely challenging, enlightening and everything in between. I crashed hard more than a few times. I saw a counselor for a while who suggested to me, “Annetta, do nothing when you can.”
Doing nothing when I could (along with other healing tools) is what has helped me recover from exhaustion, navigating and healing a fried nervous system, Motherhood, PTSD, trauma responses and co-dependency threads in my life. Not to mention divorce, the finding of my soul mate and all that has entailed and triggered within us, the start of my business and the relationship and death of my biological father.
As time goes on, I have noticed things about me, that aren’t necessarily how I wanted to be, but I am finally honoring that I truly enjoy them. I didn’t want to enjoy doing nothing and being slow, but the fact is, it’s really nice. It feels good. It’s peaceful. I also really enjoy being alone. (The complete opposite of younger versions of me). I didn’t want to stop and listen for fear of what I might hear. I had to choose the hard way each time, because that meant I was really doing the work, right? I would “achieve more!” Diving deep as I could every single time.
Well, I don’t enjoy forceful. And while I have had tremendous growth in my life, I am choosing to do things a different way now. Embodying grace and ease.
I have really struggled in my relationship with the concept of “time” and “doing” in the past, but there are layers of that onion I have looked at, and continue to do so. Therefore cultivating more peace, insights and compassion for myself. For that I am grateful.
My 8 year old and I have decided that we would feel more at ease and joyful if we didn’t observe time. So, we try to live that way when we can, while also respecting the times we need to be a part of society, shining our light, best we can, learning to simultaneously stand in our truth.
You may of heard the healing or spiritual journey has layers, like an onion. Something comes up or you’re triggered big time. You gain an awareness. It heals something. You feel great. From that awareness, a little more light is shone inward. A little more gets exposed, or peeled back and another something is ready to be seen, felt, honored and healed.
The cycle repeats.
We can begin to feel as if we are on a ferris wheel repeating everything over and over! Which, sometimes we do and there is karma to be healed there, but many other times it’s just different layers. There are no new thoughts. No new hurts. Just different ways of experiencing and perceiving them, with our own unique energy signatures. To me, in each layer we’re getting a bit deeper. We’re accessing more. Another level, in the same game. Ultimately anchoring in more light as we peel back each layer. Healing ourselves, which heals the world. Did you know you were so important? Please believe that you are.
But, as we continue to access these deeper layers, can we do so with a little more love, kindness and compassion?
Must we gruel on in a way that ends up leaving so many scars? Forcefully pushing on, when it doesn’t feel right to do so?
Or can we listen to the heart and find the path of ease? Take the rest when we need… honoring the truths within us, with a playful curiosity.
Can we love the one who shows up, in each moment just as they are? I think that, my friends, is where the peace is.
What truths are you noticing about yourself?
Please comment below, share your experience if it feels right.
Thank you for being here. For being brave and courageous! For being the unique shining of love light that you are.
May you find your peace.
I love you.
