Darkness And The Spectrums of Power, Abundance, Gratitude + Love.

Lately I spent a fair amount of time steeped in the darkness of my soul. Taking on quite the bitter and undesirable flavors at times. Upon digging through one of my latest reads, The Life You Were Born to Live by Dan Millman, author of The Peaceful Warrior, I discovered a large part of my life path was going to involve trials, tribulations, success and mastery in the topics of Abundance + Power.
    While reading about the Law of Intuition, I saw this: “The Law of Intuition can provide needed leverage for those of us who came into this world without a strong sense of identity, center or inner direction.” This sparked something in me. I then tried to remember if this was how I came into the world? Strong beliefs, identities and inner directions weren’t exactly talked or shared in my family. I had never heard the word ‘intuition’ til much later in my life.
     I began to think about what I currently identify with and what I have identified with in the past. I remember a specific time in the early stages of my awakening really spending time un-identifying with things. Although honestly, that was one of the easier parts of my work, interestingly enough. This leads me back to when I was a child. I don’t recall being born with a strong sense of any certain thing. I was never too partial on any one thing. I suppose I’ve known what I liked and disliked, but because of my strong curiosity, it was easy for me to try new things, naturally not being attached to too much. Things that other people became obsessed with or had heightened sense of emotion about, I just never took to. I tried many aspects of personalities, wore many masks and costumes…but I never really jumped on too many band wagons. Popular masses have always turned me off, or made me want to turn the other direction!  This has both been a blessing and a curse at times.

     This lead me to realize while I may of not had a strong identity, I very may well of had a strong sense of center which took shape to me becoming a seeker which eventually lead to the strengthening of my intuition. Not realizing I had a strong center, the seeker within took me various places, developing various relationships, partaking in various things.  Seeking what I didn’t have in my own immediate reality. I understand now the seeker especially came out through my experiences with people.  I would discover someone.  Usually with something I didn’t have or wanted.  With a huge sense of determination I would seek out a relationship with them, often times forcefully or awkwardly. I would learn all I could from them and then just move on, definitely at times not giving nearly as much to them as they gave to me. I would not allow someone to see, know or sense too much of me. If they began to, I would run.
     Those that have known me a while may concur. It is definitely something I still work on with my current relationships. In the past couple of years after taking a few years prior to those where I had to detach from everyone and everything, get silent, question, feel, express. SO MUCH…. there are more parts of me getting comfortable with vulnerability and authenticity. I am able to see now there are a few people in my life who have actually SEEN me and they are still around to take me as am I. Even if I have to tune out for a little.
     As I reflect on this now, I see where in my younger years I began to explore power. Mostly with giving it away. Now I am in the stages of reclamation. I see where I only took and didn’t give and how that relates to my inability to be grateful at times. I see where my inability to feel gratitude lead me to seeking better ways of living. Now sometimes, it also allows me to feel deep gratitude so much I’m brought to tears. I am grateful to be connecting the dots.  

     The fear of rejection and abandonment has shown up as a major theme in my life and many others with the underlying root being worthiness. Now, which came first? I guess when looking at it from a soul perspective, it could go both ways.  Events and lessons show up/ physically manifest because of an underling cause/root/belief. Or one could have so much trauma due to significant or repeated events it creates a whole new entity with it’s own consciousness, within your field. Eckhart Tolle calls this a pain body. If one is not diligent, it can take over for extended periods of time.
     So, how do we allow the manifestations of these lessons which ultimately are gifts offered to us, to present themselves in a way that isn’t earth-shattering? Knee-buckling. How can we stay centered, present and grounded? Or, are these just spiritual pie-in-the-sky ideals which only lead to more suffering? Because once again, we didn’t do it right. We failed, yet again. Can we find the balance in between somewhere? Can we honor the ugly and wretched while embracing the beauty and expansion?
     So much of my suffering is due to the strong thought, “If only I was better, then it would be different.”  Ever had that one?

Let’s unpack this… As someone who “knows better,” works with energy and practices in the healing arts, I still haven’t completely unraveled this for myself.  Even with my fierce awareness of myself (almost to a fault) when this little bugger shows up, especially in relation to my child and my parenting, it’s enough to bring me to my knees. To question my existence. To wonder would the world be better without me? At times, I cannot bare the darkness of my soul. I have to push everyone and everything away.  Because, at this point, I’m in survival mode. And when you’re there, there are NO obligations to anyone or anything.
     I have to literally deconstruct everything (on multiple levels) and examine all the pieces. I’ve noticed the length I choose to stay in this deconstructed space varies depending on what’s going on in my life. Eventually, I begin to sense that I am once more ready to pick up the pieces, with my intention always being to come back as a stronger/healthier/lighter/cleaner version of me. Although, when I’m in that darkness, I cannot see it that way. I want to stay in the darkness. Breathe it in. Taste it. Sometimes, it is just too incredibly daunting to come back. Due to different traumas we all have, I still pick up pieces that contribute to me repeating patterns and behaviors I don’t necessarily like or may be uncomfortable.
     This can mean we still aren’t finished with a particular lesson, which can be comforting knowing it’s not all for naught. BUT, it can also be extremely frustrating. One may think, “Damn, I’m aware of [this] about myself, but it’s still present. What am I getting wrong? Why can’t I get it right? I’ve been trying so hard.”

     Here is where we can begin exploring our relationship with said [this]. May it be a pattern, belief, habit, pain, dis-ease, etc… Exploration can be intimidating. However, know that when something shows up, it’s because you ARE strong enough to begin the process of healing it.  Notice I said process.  Like the phrase from the song by Trevor Hall, “you can’t rush your healing.” Here is where we can also remember compassion and grace for ourselves. Yes I know, easier said than done.
     Even if the only strength you can muster is to know you have to withdraw, to really be in the darkness, that is okay. Reset. Take a break. A long break. This is self-love in a different color, not one everyone talks about. This is still listening to oneself, even when one is lost, confused or barely here. We can always find a shred of our intuition somewhere within. The more we listen, the more we act upon it, the stronger it gets. It is a muscle, it must be worked and utilized.

     Sometimes, we can feel there isn’t enough space or time in between the hard things. In survival mode this will be 100% true.  I read somewhere (forgetting right now) there are 3 core stages in regards to this. Survival — Healing — Thriving. Please remember the infinite levels of experiences a human can have and the subtleties within each of those.

     Some parts of me are currently in survival mode, yet some have shifted to healing mode. I feel I’ve been in this place for a long time, but our souls do not resonate with time. So my work lies in identifying what is keeping me there? What is my relationship to surviving? I LONG to thrive and create a place for my son to thrive. But with the lenses of perspectives I’ve been wearing, my reality is the opposite and to *parts* of me, that equals failure.
     It’s really hard for me to accept the fact my son is just not that nice sometimes. I forget he came here, with his own karmas, traumas and lessons to experience and heal. Funny enough, I thought I could create a trauma-free life for him as a child. I think we can all have a good chuckle about that. I realize now if there is something I cannot accept about my son, there is something within me I am not accepting. My work lays in me, not my son. My job is to love him. 100 %. Completely and fully.
     I’ve continuously (and naturally) wanted to ‘fix’ my child. Help him. So much that I get lost. I take all the burden. I allow suffering. I then beat myself up for allowing suffering. I wallow for a bit. Almost enjoying the severity of the pain. Like the sweet taste of punishment deserved. I don’t believe in punishment for my child, why do I believe I need to be punished?  This is a topic I’ve only scratched the surface of. I am willing and look forward to doing so. (Haha, I say this now…) These are cycles within our relationship we have had to and still are exploring, trying SO hard to heal. Power. Love. Understanding. Expression. Emotions. Feelings. Safety. Why do I feel it’s my sole responsibility to create a healthy human? While this belief is admirable and has served me in some ways for contributing to parts of him that are very healthy, there are parts it is clearly NOT serving anymore. Why do the unhealthy parts speak louder to us? Why do we internalize that? Our child is not just our child.
Parents, it is down right quite exhausting. Even if you’re not a parent, I’m sure there is somewhere you can relate these topics to in your life!

There is a fine line between wearing the lens of hopelessness to where it seems this whole Earth gig is a sick joke, and then the lens of neutrality and peace with what Is, where one can see and honor the divine intricate weaving of all of life’s experiences, creating that beautiful full-spectrum, multi-dimensional tapestry of love.  
Recently I read, (forgive me I forget this one too), “We have to live and we have to die, the rest we get to make up.” CREATION. We are not destined to suffer. We do have some say. We are worthy of creating the life we desire.

     I continue to flip through many perspectives like those View Masters some of us may of had or played with as children, with the slide changers you know? Finding what works. Discarding what doesn’t. Staying curious. 
I set my intention to not take life so damn seriously. To remember I am here to experience all of the things meant for me. Even the things that feel cruel or mis-dealt.
     I plan on really exploring the themes of gratitude, abundance, power and control. It’s part of my life path.
     I will try to remember my son’s happiness is not in my hands. But that I always have the choice to love where I am and where he is. Just allowing our paths to cross when they do. Allowing our expressions to come out as they desire and always always coming back to love. Even if we had to sit in hatred/hardship/misery for some time.
     Thank you for being here. If you’ve been feeling as raw as me, I send you big love. If you’ve been feeling like a friggin master of your domain, I send you big love.
We are all in this together.
I love you. 

We keep coming back to love.

Lincoln + Annetta 2021