Some of my WHY’s.(Part One)

Where am I now? Where did I come from? Where am I going?

Hello sweet souls. It’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ve done a few juicy social media posts here and there, but nothing I’ve chosen to put up as an actual blog. The last one was written in January, which was at the beginning of a HUGE transition for me + my son. I didn’t plan on writing about this relationship as I sat down. This was going to be a blog on my whys. Where I’m going as an artist, where Hands of Wild Earth is going. Dialing in my focus. But here I sit, divulging very personal details of my life.
I realize I can’t not, because this is such a major component of my life. Of my healing. Of my work. So I will share.

In November a relationship with a very important person in my journey ended. This person played a critical role in my + my son’s life. A lover, friend, mentor + teacher, father-figure, creative partner + so much more.
The last 7 months have been an incredible journey. Extremely painful, eye-opening, magical, healing, transformative. I have really gotten to see what I’m made of. My strength has emerged like a mighty mountain. My creativity has blossomed and exploded.
But, I resisted, A LOT. I threw tantrums. Spiraled out, spiraled in. I traveled to the lowest of lows, dancing with the idea of not existing anymore. I questioned my purpose. I crawled out of the murkiest of pits. I rested. My physical body shut down many times, calling for rest as I entered the shock of this new place I was creating. The nervous system had to integrate. The physical body had to shed. I am still going through this process. My immune system is still struggling. My body is recalibrating. I am confident I’m on the path to wellness!
I soared high realizing my passions, seeing what I’m capable of, where I CAN go. Still questioning every day, who I am. What do I enjoy? What sets my soul on fire?
I’ve met many aspects of myself. Many unsavory, indigestable aspects. Many beautiful ones. I’ve been pushed to the edges, jumped, fell, flown, crashed, burned, and risen again. Many times. I am in my phoenix process. It has been downright messy.
This of course has affected + influenced my work.

After the split, which has not been easy for either of us, I had to learn how to be on my own. Not BE alone, I was already very good at that. Too good perhaps… but to truly be there for me, and all that self-love emcompasses.

At 36 pushing 37, I have had a partner/husband for most of my adult life. I met my ex-husband at 20. Married at 24. Gave birth to my son at 27. Doing all the “right things.” In my early 30’s I began to question my marriage. I grew restless. Realizing perhaps there was more to love. To life. We had a great relationship for the most part, but we were more like best friends. I remember thinking, I want my son to see his mother truly loved. To see what that’s like. Never having that modeled for me as a kid, and of course I had no idea what it would be like to be on the receiving end of a love so deep, and the healing that would transpire from opening my heart which had been very closed and protected all of this life, and many other lifetimes. Cracking it wide open, revealing my journey with worthiness. Motherhood has also contributed to this heart breaking + expansion.

Then one day a beautiful man walked into my father’s art gallery in Yarnell, AZ. I had already decided to leave my husband prior to this day, but didn’t know how to yet. I was certainly NOT looking for anyone or anything!!
There was a magnetic connection from the start and this magic man was the catalyst. We grabbed hands, ran for the cliff we would jump from never looking back. We fell and we fell hard. Sometimes flying, sometimes flailing. The bravery it took for us to go to the places we went, was admirable, worthy + unmatched.
If you were to think of how this transpired, you could judge me + say I did this wrong. Our relationship triggered much within and without. It even started the end of the relationship with my father, who could not get past our age difference (23 years). Of course, there was more to it than that…
I often like to think about what the 3 of us could have created had my father not been so judgmental + closed off to him, me, us.
But, I followed my heart + did the best I could to continuously choose what was best for my son + I. I wouldn’t change a damn thing. Knowing what I now know about the Universe, it’s laws, energy, souls + the heart…. it all had to happen exactly the way it did.

So, said man + I jumped into new, exciting, deep, karmic, magical relationship. A wild 3 years of together, apart, together, apart. Like a couple of teenagers. I never thought that would be me. This man helped me through some of the hardest times of my life. Thru intense spiritual awakenings, the traumatic ending of the relationship with my father + later his death, intense parenting, helping me emerge as an artist, encouraging me in ways no one had ever done. Loving me in a way I had no idea that existed. Fathering my son in vital ways that my ex-husband wasn’t capable of. Of the time I knew my father, I collectively had a few years with him. Always yearning for more than he could give me. Him always wanting me to not remind him so damn much of himself.
This man, my lover/partner/friend man, picked up from the spot my father left off. Teaching me things my father couldn’t + wouldn’t in craftsmanship, in art, in business, in life, in love. For all of this, I am forever grateful. It is not easy to write this, remembering all of that. We had chosen to build a life together. The young, naive, hopeless romantic thought this would last forever. However, there was always a part of me that knew it would not. This almost forbidden love.

Because our bond was so deep, one breakup wasn’t enough. We tried, over + over + over. Each time we parted, we came back stronger + better, or so it seemed… alas finally reaching it’s ending. We could no longer come back better. It was trauma repeating itself over + over.
I discovered I was also keeping myself small, still hiding under the safety of his wing. Considering the age difference, this man also filled in ways for me that the two fathers I was blessed to have, could not. But, by staying with him, I was not allowing myself to truly expand the way the Universe had intended for me. I have grown TREMENDOUSLY in the last 3.5 years with and without him.

After the split, I had to learn how to be a mother on my own, how to be a sole-provider, how to do all the things I would have had my partner/husband/father do + help me with previously, in life + in contribution to my work. This has all unfolded in layers. A multi-dimensional process. For most of my life I’ve been in hiding. I was no longer allowed to hide. I had to step out of my comfort zone. Create connections. Get out into my community. Show up. Stand out. Speak up. I am so grateful I have and am continuing to learn how to do so. It is becoming a great blessing in my world. Putting weight into other areas of my life besides solely a romantic relationship, being a mother and my work. I had to learn to comfort myself. To ask others (besides my romantic partner) to comfort me. To allow my son to comfort me. I had to learn about other areas of LOVE that had nothing to do with romance. To truly put self-love to the test.

In relation to my work, I had worked out of my father’s rock shop for years before meeting this man. After that ending, he helped me create a studio space in both of the home spaces we shared. Even though I had begun to acquire my own tools, I’ve always had someone else’s tools to use, someone to ask how to build this, how to do that.

Now, I’m a one woman show. I’m in my new home. I have a third bedroom which is my jewelry + finishing studio. I am still in the process of acquiring the tools and set up I need to be able to work with stone. I have gotten super down about this in the past, but am realizing at whatever pace I do this is okay for me. I am still progressing forward. Things are still coming together, in their quirky beautiful way.

The irony of my relationship to being able to work with stone is quite intriguing. It has not been easy. Due to the nature of the explosive + reactionary relationship with my father, having access to stone, materials + tools was dependent upon him. Sometimes I would go for years not even working with stone because my father and I were not on speaking terms.
This co-dependency then transferred to my partner. I have been able to look at the self-sabotaging ways I only allowed myself to create when I had someone to help me. Someone to provide me with the things I didn’t think I was capable of. So for years of my life, I didn’t allow myself to do what my soul was calling for. I continuously gave away my power, looked outside of myself. Hell I didn’t even know I had power.

But damn, let me tell you…. when I have had access to materials, tools + at times the knowledge of these two incredible men in my life (my father + this partner) I’ve been able to create incredible pieces.
Both men pushed me to do things I didn’t think I could, each in their special ways.
I keep that reminder folded up in a safe place in my heart. Knowing I will be able to do this again, in my time, in my way, not dependent on anyone, but on the opposite side of that coin…I am learning that this fierce independence I’ve acquired comes with another reminder. Of softening to the idea of collaboration. I am not meant to this all alone. I am meant to collaborate with other creatives. Not stand alone, pushing everyone away as I tread in the deep waters of the Unknown. No more struggling. No more grasping.

So, I want to take a moment of deep gratitude for both of these beautiful souls who touched my world in the wildest of ways. With fierce love, with passion, with creativity, with knowledge, with deep pain. Both were catalysts for major growth, healing + realizations. Both taught me of love. Love that has allowed me to transpose it into something that serves myself, my son, my art, my community + the world. I deeply love + miss both of these men. One has transitioned, and one is still here on Earth. Maybe someday we can be friends. I continuously align with what is best for me, my son + him.

I now take all that I have learned from these incredible souls. All that I’ve created, all that is yet to be created and I tell myself, I am capable of doing this. I already am doing this. I choose to stop resisting. To unlock what’s been locked up inside of my for lifetimes. It is safe. I trust myself to continue to show up and love myself in the best ways I know how. And to then do that for all others who come into my world. No more figuring out how to get here and remember I’m fucking here. Yes, that word was very appropriate for me to use. Now, it’s time to soak it all in. Take pleasure in the life I’ve worked so hard to have. Allowing love, creativity, passion, joy to spill over in every area of my life. Not being afraid of the rage, the sorrow, the grief. All are welcome here. But I get to choose how I show up. How I want to participate.
I recently heard that what is extremely attractive to you in another person, what you fall in love with, what you value, is inside of you. So these characters in my life, are helping me to fall in love with myself a little more, each day. Dang…

At this point in my life + artist career I know I am to get very clear on my whys. This is NOT a hobby for me. This is my life. My work. MY purpose. Where do I want to go? What are my core values? What is trying to be birthed THROUGH me?

PART TWO will be the sharing of my whys. This was a necessary precursor to it all. Because without my life transpiring the way it did, without these two men, I wouldn’t be where I am, and I’d like to think both of these men are proud of me.

Thank you for being here. I send you so much love.